light at the end of the tunnel

"Sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together."

This is my favorite quote.  It has gotten me through some pretty dark times and it gives me hope for the future.  I knew my relationship with DB wasn't meant to be.  He cheated (at least twice that I know of) and he lied (on a daily basis - and about the most mundane things).  I definitely didn't/don't deserve that.  And most importantly, Emma doesn't deserve that.  He'll talk to her on the phone for all of 30 seconds before saying he has to go and that he'll call her the next day...which he doesn't.  One day, Emma will realize the lies.  I don't know the direction in which their relationship will go, but I do know that she'll have a great stepdad one day - one that doesn't lie to her.

So as my relationship with DB fell apart, my heart broke for Emma.  I look back on it now and wonder if I didn't have Emma if the divorce would have been so hard for me.  It wasn't me losing my husband per se that hurt - it was Emma losing her family and me realizing I was about to be raising her own my own.  Terrifying thought!

But now, a year and a half later, we are in a really good place.  I know Emma is still hurt and I know that I may need to take her to talk to someone when she's older, but she's got me - and I'm pretty awesome.  I just hope that one day, DB will realize what he's doing to his daughter and will try to right that.  I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I'll hope for one day for the sake of Emma.  

The Sickies

My house has been an incubator for the sickies this winter.  It reached its peak about a month ago.  Emma came down with a nasty cold - horrible cough, high fever, sleepiness.  After about a week it started to get better...and then I got it.  My favorite part of her having this cold (that sounds so horrible) was the day she asked me, "does the human fire make me breathe better?"  Obviously, I was confused.  Then she pointed to the humidifier.  I died.  A few days later, she got the flu.  Now, this was the first she has EVER had the flu (and coincidentally, this was right after I told a friend that she has never had it...dang).  We went through about two days of throwing up, fevers, laying on the cough, doing lots of laundry....ahem.


Two weeks ago I took her to urgent care.  The flu had gone away, but her cough came back and the fever was still sticking around.  While there, the doctor wanted a urine sample.  I took Emma into the bathroom and attempted to get her to pee in a cup.  That was interesting.  When she finally agreed to try, whatever came out wasn't urine.  And of course there wasn't enough to test.  The nurse looked at the urine, took it straight to the doctor, and the doctor proceeded to tell me I needed to take Emma to the emergency room.  I'm not quite sure what all he said because after he said "kidney failure," I lost my hearing.  


I got her into the car and tried to hold it together.  I called Mitch who offered to drive us to the emergency room.  The whole drive there Emma kept asking if she was going to have to get a shot.  I didn't have the heart to tell her probably.  When we got into the ER, a nurse was taking her vitals.  She asked Emma if she knew how much she weighed.  Emma's response was "40 hours."  Yep, we gotta work on that.


They took us back to her bed and we got settled in.  The doctor came back and I went over her history and why we were there.  He said they would need another urine sample...and if she didn't go...she'd get a catheter.  Eeeeek.  Thankfully, we got her to go after she was bribed with popsicles.  Once again, it was disgusting. When the nurse came to get the sample, she looked at, looked at me and said "Is this her urine?....Wow."  That definitely didn't go over well with me.


Next she had an x-ray done of her chest to make sure she didn't have pneumonia.  She handled that like such a trooper.  She even got a special doll dressed up in a hospital gown for doing so good.  The doll looks exactly like a voodoo doll.  Freaky.  And she named it Ron.  (Good thing we don't know anybody named Ron.)  The x-rays came back perfectly normal.  Now for the sucky part...


Emma's urine came back negative for any bacteria.  She had what they called "amorphous sediment."  Basically, she was severely dehydrated from being so sick.  They wanted to run blood work to find out why she had a fever and hook her up to an IV to get some fluids in her.  My little Emma was the queen of being brave.  Now, if any of you have been around Emma when she gets hurts...it's the end of the world.  I could only imagine what was going to happen when she found out she had to get an IV.  The nurse told Emma that her job was to stay still...and boy, did she do a good job.  She cried out, but didn't move a muscle.  We called the IV a "straw."  It brought tears to my eyes watching how brave she was.  To this day, two weeks later, she's still asking questions about the straw.


Her blood work came back okay except that she had an elevated white blood cell count which means she had an infection - BUT - they couldn't figure out where the infection was.  You could tell that the doctor was debating admitting her, but she decided to discharge Emma on antibiotics and alternating Tylenol and Motrin every four hours until her fever was gone.  The next morning, her fever was gone, of course.


She just finished her antibiotics last week - and the fever is back.  Arrrrgh.  I took her back to the emergency room yesterday.  The ran more tests and determined she just has some kind of infection/fever and I'm supposed to keep giving her Tylenol/Motrin until it's gone.  Right...


She'll be seeing a new pediatric doctor next week.  Hopefully we'll get some answers.   

The path is uncertain, but the ending is clear.

Today has been a day of reflection.  Someone told me that I "Dr. Phil" things.  Well, so be it.  I'm an introspective person and it's something I take pride in.  Yes, it has the probability of making situations harder than they need to be, but at least I know how I feel and what I think.  


As I was driving to pick up Emma today, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life.  I thought to myself that this isn't where my life is supposed to be.  But then I realized that it is...I wouldn't be here if it wasn't meant to be.  This whole ordeal has been a growing process for me.  I am more in touch and in tune with who I am and what I want out of life than I ever was before.  The "old" Melissa thought she had accepted what her life was, what her marriage was like.  And then she came to the point where she realized there was more out there.  That was a big step for me.  


For the first time in a long time, I could choose whatever path I wanted to go down.  I admit full heartedly that it took me awhile to figure out where I was going to head, but there's nothing wrong with that.  My life fell apart and it took me awhile to pick the pieces back up.  I'm waiting for the glue to dry on those last tiny pieces, but it feels great to know that I'm almost there - of course, with the help of my family, friends and prayer.  


The future still holds a lot of uncertainty, as life always does.  But there are two things that I know.  First, I have the most beautiful daughter in the world.  Without her, my life would have a lot less meaning.  I'm doing this for her.  Second, and it ties in to the first, I'm excited to see what's going to happen.  I know where we'll end up...but the journey there is without a doubt going to be entertaining to say the least.


This is a little off track, but dating sucks.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  I've decided to take a step back and let this crazy ass life take me where it wants to go.  I know that I'll be happy.  I'll find that person.  Eventually, the time will come and all of this "nonsense" will make sense.  I'll find the person that loves me for who I am, that wants to be a father to Emma, raise her like his own; the man who laughs at my horrible stories, the man who looks at me with pure love in his eyes; the man who can't imagine life without me.  I'm excited to share my heart and what I have to give with someone.  Maybe I've met that guy, maybe not.  Obviously I hope that I've met him already, but until that day comes, I will sit back and enjoy the life I have today.  


It's not perfect.  I'm not perfect.  I'm a bad cook.  I'm emotional.  I'm ditzy.  I'm indecisive.  I'm scarred and I'm flawed.  But I own those things.  It's who I am.  I'm not ashamed.  I have a giant heart.  I am dedicated.  I want to dance to sappy love songs in the living room.  


And now it is time to sleep and see what tomorrow holds.  

In My Arms by Plumb

It's a goofy video...but it's the best I could find.  I love this song.  Makes me cry every time!  Here are the lyrics:

Your baby blues 

So full of wonder 

Your curly cues 

Your contageous smile 

And as I watch 

You start to grow up 

All I can do is hold you tight 

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Story books full of fairy tales 

Of kings and queens and the bluest skies 

My heart is torn just in knowing 

You'll someday see the truth from lies 

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you 

Clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

And crash goes the plate.

I'm struggling with balance.  I've got too much on my plate and sometimes I feel like it's about to topple over.  School is putting a lot of pressure on me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm soooo over the moon happy that I'm doing this, but sheesh, writing a paper with Emma around is a lot harder than I thought it would be :P

I'm doing really well in school...4.0, baby!  That's only for one class, but hey, it's still a 4.0.  I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of finding someone to watch Emma and daycare, a lot of figuring out how to pay for that.  But it'll be worth it in the end.  

Work is definitely putting a stress on me.  Since moving into the new house, I've really had to amp up my work load.  Some days is easier than others and I'm still trying to find that balance.  

The scariest part of all of this is knowing that it's all on me.  It's up to me to get this right.  Failing isn't an option.  There are so many days that I just want to crawl in bed and forget about everything, even for five minutes.  My mind is constantly bouncing around from issue to issue and it makes me really tired.  My brain needs a time-out.

I hate that Emma is bored on the days she doesn't have school.  I hate that I have to sit at my computer and do my job while Emma tries to occupy herself.  It breaks my heart.  I do my best to give her as much attention as I can which in turn means I'm up late working...and there goes my "me" time.  Next year when Emma is in kindergarten things will get easier.  So until September comes around, please pray I don't lose my sanity!

Diary of a Single Mom

I never, EVER thought I would be a single mom, but here I am.  Gasp!


It happened all of a sudden really, with the (insert not-so-nice adjective here) ex-husband ditching his wife and daughter for another woman.  You know that phrase that a friend tells another friend who is dating a married man - "he's never going to leave his wife" - well, that isn't always true apparently.  


For me, it took something devastating and heart wrenching to realize what is important in life.  My life is still a work in progress, but it's been a beautiful journey.  


The past year and a half has been full of lessons learned, both about myself and being a single mom.  It's been full of ups and downs and everything in between. But the most important thing I have learned is...


I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.