Moving on UP

I started training for my "promotion" today.  After weeks and weeks of talking about it, it finally happened!  I wish the new pay would have started today too...but that's just wishful thinking!  I had a lot of fun and it was nice to do something out of normal routine.  Yes, yes, this will become normal for me eventually...but for now, it's fun learning!

I often think back to where I was x amount of years ago.  Two years ago, my marriage had just fallen apart and I couldn't get myself out of bed.  And now I'm jumping out of bed (well...more like dragging, I like my sleep) to get to work, dropping Emma off at kindergarten (holy crap!).  I've got it all down.  I stop at the gas station in the morning to get gas, grab a juice (although now I'll be getting hot chocolate since there is freaking SNOW on the ground), chit chat with the nice lady behind the corner and start my battle through traffic to get to work in my big fancy building.  I feel like I belong there now.  Two years ago I would NEVER have imagined myself in this new life.  And it feels awesome.  Beyond awesome.

It's been a long process to get here.  And sure, I still have my "weaknesses", but compared to two years ago, I'm a whole new person.  I've learned more about myself than I thought possible - about my strength, my courage, my heart.  I've also pin pointed areas I need to work on, especially when it comes to dating - but I'll get that straightened out eventually.

I've been through some pretty crappy things in my short 28 years, but the fact that I'm still standing, stronger than ever with a smile on face, shows what a kick ass person I am.

Enough ego boosting.  Phrase of the day: "Nothing is Impossible."

Blue Suede Shoes

I bought a new pair of high heels.  They're adorable.  Royal blue, suede, super tall.  They're fun.  They make me feel good.  But they hurt.  They kill my feet.  But I don't stop wearing them.  Were they worth the money?  Was that a wise investment?  Probably not.  I'm just paying for pain.

I've found dating to be like trying to find the perfect pair of shoes.  You see them on the shelf, you try them on, you walk around in the store and you fall in love.  But then you look at the price.  Are you willing to spend that much?  It seems like a good deal so you buy them.  The next day when you're wearing them for eight hours and you'd rather walk on broken glass than wear those shoes...you get bombarded with regret.  I spent my hard earned money on something I'm growing to detest!

The key to dating, in my opinion, is knowing you're worth.  Instead of asking if the shoe is worth the price, ask yourself if the shoe is worthy of you.  Know your worth and don't settle for less.  You can confess your love to the shoe all you want, but if it's not returned...if you can't wear the shoe without being in pain...what's the point?

So now I'm left with these awesome pair of shoes - ones that made me feel amazing - but wearing them hurts.  I keep thinking to myself that maybe if I just break them in they won't hurt so much.  But is a broken heart - correction, broken feet - worth it?

Going Up

Wow - I haven't posted in a long time! 

Life has sure taken a different path pretty quickly.  I started at a new fancy job at a marketing company in a high rise in Southfield.  I'm so awesome I get my own cubicle - which is currently decked out with Emma's drawings and a big pink "m".  I'm loving this job and I'm loving getting out of the house even more.  I've met some really cool people; hopefully some outside-of-work relationships develop there. 

Emma is now in daycare full time.  It was a HUGE adjustment.  The first three weeks or so were pretty rough on us both, but luckily she loves it now.  She comes home everyday covered in dirt, so I know she's playing hard :)  She has made a bunch of new friends - one boy in particular.... (uh oh). 

She's turning into a little girl and it's freaking me out.  I love the conversations we have and how grown up she sounds.  She's always had a very defined personality, but I can see her developing.  I love watching it, but it also makes me sad.  Definitely gone are the days of being a baby and into the world of a kid!

I've gone through some personal stuff too - and I can gladly say that I've come out knowing myself a lot better.  The past two months or so has been eye-opening for me.  It feels really good to finally be into this new chapter.  While the divorce still stings a little...I'm pretty confident in saying that I've finally worked out the last effects of that.  Hopefully :P

I think my next adventure will be to write a bucket list and see where things take me.  Maybe that'll be my next blog :D

Quote of the day:  "Dance in the rain."

And I think that might be my next tattoo.

Back to Basics

This weekend was supposed to be one of happiness.  And instead it was of complete chaos and sadness.  I said goodbye to the man who means the world to me.  It just didn't work.  We tried and it didn't add up.  It came to a head for me - something big happened and it put things into perspective for me.  It was time I stood up for how I felt and what I wanted - and deserve.  We have a long history, but when push comes to shove, I wanted a commitment; he didn't.  No one is to blame.  It's just how the cards were dealt.  He will always be the man who, however dramatic this is, brought me back to life after the divorce.  He reminded me that love is possible and that there will be people who don't mind that I have a daughter.  But it also reminded me that just because we loved each other, it doesn't mean things will work out.

I am at a gigantic crossroad in my life.  I've got some big decisions to make.  It's time for me to focus on achieving what I want in life.  I've got a lot of good things going for me.  I have an awesome new job with super cool people.  I'm in school.  Emma is in a new daycare.  My birthday is coming up (which also makes me very depressed because he won't be there with me, but I can't change that).  I'm on a whole new road to being a whole new person.  I'm sure it's going to be bumpy, but it's going to lead me in the right direction.

The hard part is dealing with these emotions.  He has left me feeling worthless and not good enough.  He never intentionally made me feel that way and he never would.  The thing is, I know I'm not worthless and I know I'm good enough - it just wasn't right for the two of us.  There's going to be someone that will love the shit out of Emma and I.  Someone that will put me up on a pedestal.  Someone that will be more than happy to fight for me.  Because I'm worth that.  It breaks my heart, shatters it, that it didn't work out for us.  I don't know if we would have ended up together or not in the long run, but I wanted the chance to see.  I'm not a patient person.  And I waited for what felt like was an eternity.  I'm gonna miss him so terribly much, but I know there's something amazing out there for me and Emma.

There are many things that I thank him for.  He did a whole lot for us and was always there for Emma.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the questions about why he's not around, but I'll figure it out.  Emma is a tough cookie and I know there's an awesome dad out there waiting for her.

It's going up on two years since my marriage fell apart.  My life is so completely different and comparatively-speaking, I'm in such a better place now.  I've got a lot going for me and some man is going to be super lucky.  Until then, it's time for me and Emma.  She's my world.  She's my focus.  She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

left vs. right

You can't make someone love you.  You can't make people do things they don't want to do.  Some things are just meant to be, even if you don't like it.   It's a known fact that women use the left side, the more emotional side, of the brains while men use the right, the more logical.  It's a battle when you're using both sides and they each say something different.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've made bad choices.  I'm not ashamed to say that I've screwed things up.  And I'm not embarrassed to say I use the left side of my brain more often.  It's who I am, even if that makes me crazy.  Someone will find that endearing, right?  Stupid question.  I know someone will.

As much as you may want something to work, as much as you may want someone to say something, it's not always going to happen.  And that's life - gotta get used to it.  No two people think the same, act the same, feel the same.  That's something that attracts people to each other.  It's fun getting to know how someone works, even though some of those things you learn you might not like.  But it's who the person is and if you love them, you love that part of them.

Maybe my problem is that I love too much.  Or maybe try too hard?  Or not hard enough?  Blah, who knows.  Life is about loving and learning.  I've learned a hell of a lot in the past couple years, including today.  The way you think things are may not always be true.  No matter how hard you wish you could change things, you can't always do that.  So when it comes to the battle of left versus right...ignore both of them and go with your gut.  But remember, there's a chance it's gonna hurt, sting and burn.

Reality

When you're 15 and go through your first heartbreak, you think its the end of the world - nothing could get worse than that.  When you're 27, it doesn't feel any different.  At least for me.  It would be nice to think that love and heartbreak get easier with age, but if anything it gets harder.  And the big question is what to do when your heart and your head both say the same two things - "you're doing the right thing" and "you're an idiot."  Which one do you listen to?  Are they saying I'm doing the right thing because it is...or do I think it will change something?  Sometimes things come to a point where you feel like you have to give up and it's never easy.  Especially because my heart skips a beat every time my phone beeps.  Maybe it's him!  But it's not.  I don't want to give up.  It's a sucky feeling.

I did surprisingly well yesterday.  And I think it's because in the back of my head I believed he'd come get me.  I never questioned if he cared.  I questioned if I mattered enough.  And then the surprise present at the back door happened.  I cried, oh I cried.  I got all warm and fuzzy.  And now today, I'm back to being down in the dumps.  I see that present sitting on my counter, I smile, and then I hurt.

the pursuit of happiness

You can only be as happy as you let yourself be.  If you walk around with a frown on your face, happiness will be out of reach.  If you dwell on the crappy things, you'll overlook the good.  If there are things in your life that make you unhappy, do something about it.  If someone is treating you in a way you don't think you deserve, set 'em straight or ditch 'em - because no one deserves anything less than happiness.

Be proud of who you are.  If you're a bad cook like me, embrace it, laugh at it.  If you're emotional like me, own it.  You are who you are for a reason.  Cherish the person you are and there will always be someone somewhere you thinks you are absolutely perfect.  Someone who knows what to say to make you feel better, someone who laughs at your awful jokes, someone who knows what you're thinking and someone who loves every ounce of you, even the flaws.

light at the end of the tunnel

"Sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together."

This is my favorite quote.  It has gotten me through some pretty dark times and it gives me hope for the future.  I knew my relationship with DB wasn't meant to be.  He cheated (at least twice that I know of) and he lied (on a daily basis - and about the most mundane things).  I definitely didn't/don't deserve that.  And most importantly, Emma doesn't deserve that.  He'll talk to her on the phone for all of 30 seconds before saying he has to go and that he'll call her the next day...which he doesn't.  One day, Emma will realize the lies.  I don't know the direction in which their relationship will go, but I do know that she'll have a great stepdad one day - one that doesn't lie to her.

So as my relationship with DB fell apart, my heart broke for Emma.  I look back on it now and wonder if I didn't have Emma if the divorce would have been so hard for me.  It wasn't me losing my husband per se that hurt - it was Emma losing her family and me realizing I was about to be raising her own my own.  Terrifying thought!

But now, a year and a half later, we are in a really good place.  I know Emma is still hurt and I know that I may need to take her to talk to someone when she's older, but she's got me - and I'm pretty awesome.  I just hope that one day, DB will realize what he's doing to his daughter and will try to right that.  I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I'll hope for one day for the sake of Emma.  

The Sickies

My house has been an incubator for the sickies this winter.  It reached its peak about a month ago.  Emma came down with a nasty cold - horrible cough, high fever, sleepiness.  After about a week it started to get better...and then I got it.  My favorite part of her having this cold (that sounds so horrible) was the day she asked me, "does the human fire make me breathe better?"  Obviously, I was confused.  Then she pointed to the humidifier.  I died.  A few days later, she got the flu.  Now, this was the first she has EVER had the flu (and coincidentally, this was right after I told a friend that she has never had it...dang).  We went through about two days of throwing up, fevers, laying on the cough, doing lots of laundry....ahem.


Two weeks ago I took her to urgent care.  The flu had gone away, but her cough came back and the fever was still sticking around.  While there, the doctor wanted a urine sample.  I took Emma into the bathroom and attempted to get her to pee in a cup.  That was interesting.  When she finally agreed to try, whatever came out wasn't urine.  And of course there wasn't enough to test.  The nurse looked at the urine, took it straight to the doctor, and the doctor proceeded to tell me I needed to take Emma to the emergency room.  I'm not quite sure what all he said because after he said "kidney failure," I lost my hearing.  


I got her into the car and tried to hold it together.  I called Mitch who offered to drive us to the emergency room.  The whole drive there Emma kept asking if she was going to have to get a shot.  I didn't have the heart to tell her probably.  When we got into the ER, a nurse was taking her vitals.  She asked Emma if she knew how much she weighed.  Emma's response was "40 hours."  Yep, we gotta work on that.


They took us back to her bed and we got settled in.  The doctor came back and I went over her history and why we were there.  He said they would need another urine sample...and if she didn't go...she'd get a catheter.  Eeeeek.  Thankfully, we got her to go after she was bribed with popsicles.  Once again, it was disgusting. When the nurse came to get the sample, she looked at, looked at me and said "Is this her urine?....Wow."  That definitely didn't go over well with me.


Next she had an x-ray done of her chest to make sure she didn't have pneumonia.  She handled that like such a trooper.  She even got a special doll dressed up in a hospital gown for doing so good.  The doll looks exactly like a voodoo doll.  Freaky.  And she named it Ron.  (Good thing we don't know anybody named Ron.)  The x-rays came back perfectly normal.  Now for the sucky part...


Emma's urine came back negative for any bacteria.  She had what they called "amorphous sediment."  Basically, she was severely dehydrated from being so sick.  They wanted to run blood work to find out why she had a fever and hook her up to an IV to get some fluids in her.  My little Emma was the queen of being brave.  Now, if any of you have been around Emma when she gets hurts...it's the end of the world.  I could only imagine what was going to happen when she found out she had to get an IV.  The nurse told Emma that her job was to stay still...and boy, did she do a good job.  She cried out, but didn't move a muscle.  We called the IV a "straw."  It brought tears to my eyes watching how brave she was.  To this day, two weeks later, she's still asking questions about the straw.


Her blood work came back okay except that she had an elevated white blood cell count which means she had an infection - BUT - they couldn't figure out where the infection was.  You could tell that the doctor was debating admitting her, but she decided to discharge Emma on antibiotics and alternating Tylenol and Motrin every four hours until her fever was gone.  The next morning, her fever was gone, of course.


She just finished her antibiotics last week - and the fever is back.  Arrrrgh.  I took her back to the emergency room yesterday.  The ran more tests and determined she just has some kind of infection/fever and I'm supposed to keep giving her Tylenol/Motrin until it's gone.  Right...


She'll be seeing a new pediatric doctor next week.  Hopefully we'll get some answers.   

The path is uncertain, but the ending is clear.

Today has been a day of reflection.  Someone told me that I "Dr. Phil" things.  Well, so be it.  I'm an introspective person and it's something I take pride in.  Yes, it has the probability of making situations harder than they need to be, but at least I know how I feel and what I think.  


As I was driving to pick up Emma today, I spent a lot of time thinking about my life.  I thought to myself that this isn't where my life is supposed to be.  But then I realized that it is...I wouldn't be here if it wasn't meant to be.  This whole ordeal has been a growing process for me.  I am more in touch and in tune with who I am and what I want out of life than I ever was before.  The "old" Melissa thought she had accepted what her life was, what her marriage was like.  And then she came to the point where she realized there was more out there.  That was a big step for me.  


For the first time in a long time, I could choose whatever path I wanted to go down.  I admit full heartedly that it took me awhile to figure out where I was going to head, but there's nothing wrong with that.  My life fell apart and it took me awhile to pick the pieces back up.  I'm waiting for the glue to dry on those last tiny pieces, but it feels great to know that I'm almost there - of course, with the help of my family, friends and prayer.  


The future still holds a lot of uncertainty, as life always does.  But there are two things that I know.  First, I have the most beautiful daughter in the world.  Without her, my life would have a lot less meaning.  I'm doing this for her.  Second, and it ties in to the first, I'm excited to see what's going to happen.  I know where we'll end up...but the journey there is without a doubt going to be entertaining to say the least.


This is a little off track, but dating sucks.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  I've decided to take a step back and let this crazy ass life take me where it wants to go.  I know that I'll be happy.  I'll find that person.  Eventually, the time will come and all of this "nonsense" will make sense.  I'll find the person that loves me for who I am, that wants to be a father to Emma, raise her like his own; the man who laughs at my horrible stories, the man who looks at me with pure love in his eyes; the man who can't imagine life without me.  I'm excited to share my heart and what I have to give with someone.  Maybe I've met that guy, maybe not.  Obviously I hope that I've met him already, but until that day comes, I will sit back and enjoy the life I have today.  


It's not perfect.  I'm not perfect.  I'm a bad cook.  I'm emotional.  I'm ditzy.  I'm indecisive.  I'm scarred and I'm flawed.  But I own those things.  It's who I am.  I'm not ashamed.  I have a giant heart.  I am dedicated.  I want to dance to sappy love songs in the living room.  


And now it is time to sleep and see what tomorrow holds.  

In My Arms by Plumb

It's a goofy video...but it's the best I could find.  I love this song.  Makes me cry every time!  Here are the lyrics:

Your baby blues 

So full of wonder 

Your curly cues 

Your contageous smile 

And as I watch 

You start to grow up 

All I can do is hold you tight 

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Story books full of fairy tales 

Of kings and queens and the bluest skies 

My heart is torn just in knowing 

You'll someday see the truth from lies 

Knowing clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Castles they might crumble 

Dreams may not come true 

But you are never all alone 

Because I will always 

Always love you 

Clouds will rage

And storms will race in 

But you will be safe in my arms 

Rains will pour down 

Waves will crash all around 

But you will be safe in my arms

And crash goes the plate.

I'm struggling with balance.  I've got too much on my plate and sometimes I feel like it's about to topple over.  School is putting a lot of pressure on me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm soooo over the moon happy that I'm doing this, but sheesh, writing a paper with Emma around is a lot harder than I thought it would be :P

I'm doing really well in school...4.0, baby!  That's only for one class, but hey, it's still a 4.0.  I've got a long road ahead of me, a lot of finding someone to watch Emma and daycare, a lot of figuring out how to pay for that.  But it'll be worth it in the end.  

Work is definitely putting a stress on me.  Since moving into the new house, I've really had to amp up my work load.  Some days is easier than others and I'm still trying to find that balance.  

The scariest part of all of this is knowing that it's all on me.  It's up to me to get this right.  Failing isn't an option.  There are so many days that I just want to crawl in bed and forget about everything, even for five minutes.  My mind is constantly bouncing around from issue to issue and it makes me really tired.  My brain needs a time-out.

I hate that Emma is bored on the days she doesn't have school.  I hate that I have to sit at my computer and do my job while Emma tries to occupy herself.  It breaks my heart.  I do my best to give her as much attention as I can which in turn means I'm up late working...and there goes my "me" time.  Next year when Emma is in kindergarten things will get easier.  So until September comes around, please pray I don't lose my sanity!

Diary of a Single Mom

I never, EVER thought I would be a single mom, but here I am.  Gasp!


It happened all of a sudden really, with the (insert not-so-nice adjective here) ex-husband ditching his wife and daughter for another woman.  You know that phrase that a friend tells another friend who is dating a married man - "he's never going to leave his wife" - well, that isn't always true apparently.  


For me, it took something devastating and heart wrenching to realize what is important in life.  My life is still a work in progress, but it's been a beautiful journey.  


The past year and a half has been full of lessons learned, both about myself and being a single mom.  It's been full of ups and downs and everything in between. But the most important thing I have learned is...


I am a hell of a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.