Moving on UP

I started training for my "promotion" today.  After weeks and weeks of talking about it, it finally happened!  I wish the new pay would have started today too...but that's just wishful thinking!  I had a lot of fun and it was nice to do something out of normal routine.  Yes, yes, this will become normal for me eventually...but for now, it's fun learning!

I often think back to where I was x amount of years ago.  Two years ago, my marriage had just fallen apart and I couldn't get myself out of bed.  And now I'm jumping out of bed (well...more like dragging, I like my sleep) to get to work, dropping Emma off at kindergarten (holy crap!).  I've got it all down.  I stop at the gas station in the morning to get gas, grab a juice (although now I'll be getting hot chocolate since there is freaking SNOW on the ground), chit chat with the nice lady behind the corner and start my battle through traffic to get to work in my big fancy building.  I feel like I belong there now.  Two years ago I would NEVER have imagined myself in this new life.  And it feels awesome.  Beyond awesome.

It's been a long process to get here.  And sure, I still have my "weaknesses", but compared to two years ago, I'm a whole new person.  I've learned more about myself than I thought possible - about my strength, my courage, my heart.  I've also pin pointed areas I need to work on, especially when it comes to dating - but I'll get that straightened out eventually.

I've been through some pretty crappy things in my short 28 years, but the fact that I'm still standing, stronger than ever with a smile on face, shows what a kick ass person I am.

Enough ego boosting.  Phrase of the day: "Nothing is Impossible."

Blue Suede Shoes

I bought a new pair of high heels.  They're adorable.  Royal blue, suede, super tall.  They're fun.  They make me feel good.  But they hurt.  They kill my feet.  But I don't stop wearing them.  Were they worth the money?  Was that a wise investment?  Probably not.  I'm just paying for pain.

I've found dating to be like trying to find the perfect pair of shoes.  You see them on the shelf, you try them on, you walk around in the store and you fall in love.  But then you look at the price.  Are you willing to spend that much?  It seems like a good deal so you buy them.  The next day when you're wearing them for eight hours and you'd rather walk on broken glass than wear those shoes...you get bombarded with regret.  I spent my hard earned money on something I'm growing to detest!

The key to dating, in my opinion, is knowing you're worth.  Instead of asking if the shoe is worth the price, ask yourself if the shoe is worthy of you.  Know your worth and don't settle for less.  You can confess your love to the shoe all you want, but if it's not returned...if you can't wear the shoe without being in pain...what's the point?

So now I'm left with these awesome pair of shoes - ones that made me feel amazing - but wearing them hurts.  I keep thinking to myself that maybe if I just break them in they won't hurt so much.  But is a broken heart - correction, broken feet - worth it?

Going Up

Wow - I haven't posted in a long time! 

Life has sure taken a different path pretty quickly.  I started at a new fancy job at a marketing company in a high rise in Southfield.  I'm so awesome I get my own cubicle - which is currently decked out with Emma's drawings and a big pink "m".  I'm loving this job and I'm loving getting out of the house even more.  I've met some really cool people; hopefully some outside-of-work relationships develop there. 

Emma is now in daycare full time.  It was a HUGE adjustment.  The first three weeks or so were pretty rough on us both, but luckily she loves it now.  She comes home everyday covered in dirt, so I know she's playing hard :)  She has made a bunch of new friends - one boy in particular.... (uh oh). 

She's turning into a little girl and it's freaking me out.  I love the conversations we have and how grown up she sounds.  She's always had a very defined personality, but I can see her developing.  I love watching it, but it also makes me sad.  Definitely gone are the days of being a baby and into the world of a kid!

I've gone through some personal stuff too - and I can gladly say that I've come out knowing myself a lot better.  The past two months or so has been eye-opening for me.  It feels really good to finally be into this new chapter.  While the divorce still stings a little...I'm pretty confident in saying that I've finally worked out the last effects of that.  Hopefully :P

I think my next adventure will be to write a bucket list and see where things take me.  Maybe that'll be my next blog :D

Quote of the day:  "Dance in the rain."

And I think that might be my next tattoo.

Back to Basics

This weekend was supposed to be one of happiness.  And instead it was of complete chaos and sadness.  I said goodbye to the man who means the world to me.  It just didn't work.  We tried and it didn't add up.  It came to a head for me - something big happened and it put things into perspective for me.  It was time I stood up for how I felt and what I wanted - and deserve.  We have a long history, but when push comes to shove, I wanted a commitment; he didn't.  No one is to blame.  It's just how the cards were dealt.  He will always be the man who, however dramatic this is, brought me back to life after the divorce.  He reminded me that love is possible and that there will be people who don't mind that I have a daughter.  But it also reminded me that just because we loved each other, it doesn't mean things will work out.

I am at a gigantic crossroad in my life.  I've got some big decisions to make.  It's time for me to focus on achieving what I want in life.  I've got a lot of good things going for me.  I have an awesome new job with super cool people.  I'm in school.  Emma is in a new daycare.  My birthday is coming up (which also makes me very depressed because he won't be there with me, but I can't change that).  I'm on a whole new road to being a whole new person.  I'm sure it's going to be bumpy, but it's going to lead me in the right direction.

The hard part is dealing with these emotions.  He has left me feeling worthless and not good enough.  He never intentionally made me feel that way and he never would.  The thing is, I know I'm not worthless and I know I'm good enough - it just wasn't right for the two of us.  There's going to be someone that will love the shit out of Emma and I.  Someone that will put me up on a pedestal.  Someone that will be more than happy to fight for me.  Because I'm worth that.  It breaks my heart, shatters it, that it didn't work out for us.  I don't know if we would have ended up together or not in the long run, but I wanted the chance to see.  I'm not a patient person.  And I waited for what felt like was an eternity.  I'm gonna miss him so terribly much, but I know there's something amazing out there for me and Emma.

There are many things that I thank him for.  He did a whole lot for us and was always there for Emma.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the questions about why he's not around, but I'll figure it out.  Emma is a tough cookie and I know there's an awesome dad out there waiting for her.

It's going up on two years since my marriage fell apart.  My life is so completely different and comparatively-speaking, I'm in such a better place now.  I've got a lot going for me and some man is going to be super lucky.  Until then, it's time for me and Emma.  She's my world.  She's my focus.  She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

left vs. right

You can't make someone love you.  You can't make people do things they don't want to do.  Some things are just meant to be, even if you don't like it.   It's a known fact that women use the left side, the more emotional side, of the brains while men use the right, the more logical.  It's a battle when you're using both sides and they each say something different.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've made bad choices.  I'm not ashamed to say that I've screwed things up.  And I'm not embarrassed to say I use the left side of my brain more often.  It's who I am, even if that makes me crazy.  Someone will find that endearing, right?  Stupid question.  I know someone will.

As much as you may want something to work, as much as you may want someone to say something, it's not always going to happen.  And that's life - gotta get used to it.  No two people think the same, act the same, feel the same.  That's something that attracts people to each other.  It's fun getting to know how someone works, even though some of those things you learn you might not like.  But it's who the person is and if you love them, you love that part of them.

Maybe my problem is that I love too much.  Or maybe try too hard?  Or not hard enough?  Blah, who knows.  Life is about loving and learning.  I've learned a hell of a lot in the past couple years, including today.  The way you think things are may not always be true.  No matter how hard you wish you could change things, you can't always do that.  So when it comes to the battle of left versus right...ignore both of them and go with your gut.  But remember, there's a chance it's gonna hurt, sting and burn.

Reality

When you're 15 and go through your first heartbreak, you think its the end of the world - nothing could get worse than that.  When you're 27, it doesn't feel any different.  At least for me.  It would be nice to think that love and heartbreak get easier with age, but if anything it gets harder.  And the big question is what to do when your heart and your head both say the same two things - "you're doing the right thing" and "you're an idiot."  Which one do you listen to?  Are they saying I'm doing the right thing because it is...or do I think it will change something?  Sometimes things come to a point where you feel like you have to give up and it's never easy.  Especially because my heart skips a beat every time my phone beeps.  Maybe it's him!  But it's not.  I don't want to give up.  It's a sucky feeling.

I did surprisingly well yesterday.  And I think it's because in the back of my head I believed he'd come get me.  I never questioned if he cared.  I questioned if I mattered enough.  And then the surprise present at the back door happened.  I cried, oh I cried.  I got all warm and fuzzy.  And now today, I'm back to being down in the dumps.  I see that present sitting on my counter, I smile, and then I hurt.

the pursuit of happiness

You can only be as happy as you let yourself be.  If you walk around with a frown on your face, happiness will be out of reach.  If you dwell on the crappy things, you'll overlook the good.  If there are things in your life that make you unhappy, do something about it.  If someone is treating you in a way you don't think you deserve, set 'em straight or ditch 'em - because no one deserves anything less than happiness.

Be proud of who you are.  If you're a bad cook like me, embrace it, laugh at it.  If you're emotional like me, own it.  You are who you are for a reason.  Cherish the person you are and there will always be someone somewhere you thinks you are absolutely perfect.  Someone who knows what to say to make you feel better, someone who laughs at your awful jokes, someone who knows what you're thinking and someone who loves every ounce of you, even the flaws.