Back to Basics

This weekend was supposed to be one of happiness.  And instead it was of complete chaos and sadness.  I said goodbye to the man who means the world to me.  It just didn't work.  We tried and it didn't add up.  It came to a head for me - something big happened and it put things into perspective for me.  It was time I stood up for how I felt and what I wanted - and deserve.  We have a long history, but when push comes to shove, I wanted a commitment; he didn't.  No one is to blame.  It's just how the cards were dealt.  He will always be the man who, however dramatic this is, brought me back to life after the divorce.  He reminded me that love is possible and that there will be people who don't mind that I have a daughter.  But it also reminded me that just because we loved each other, it doesn't mean things will work out.

I am at a gigantic crossroad in my life.  I've got some big decisions to make.  It's time for me to focus on achieving what I want in life.  I've got a lot of good things going for me.  I have an awesome new job with super cool people.  I'm in school.  Emma is in a new daycare.  My birthday is coming up (which also makes me very depressed because he won't be there with me, but I can't change that).  I'm on a whole new road to being a whole new person.  I'm sure it's going to be bumpy, but it's going to lead me in the right direction.

The hard part is dealing with these emotions.  He has left me feeling worthless and not good enough.  He never intentionally made me feel that way and he never would.  The thing is, I know I'm not worthless and I know I'm good enough - it just wasn't right for the two of us.  There's going to be someone that will love the shit out of Emma and I.  Someone that will put me up on a pedestal.  Someone that will be more than happy to fight for me.  Because I'm worth that.  It breaks my heart, shatters it, that it didn't work out for us.  I don't know if we would have ended up together or not in the long run, but I wanted the chance to see.  I'm not a patient person.  And I waited for what felt like was an eternity.  I'm gonna miss him so terribly much, but I know there's something amazing out there for me and Emma.

There are many things that I thank him for.  He did a whole lot for us and was always there for Emma.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the questions about why he's not around, but I'll figure it out.  Emma is a tough cookie and I know there's an awesome dad out there waiting for her.

It's going up on two years since my marriage fell apart.  My life is so completely different and comparatively-speaking, I'm in such a better place now.  I've got a lot going for me and some man is going to be super lucky.  Until then, it's time for me and Emma.  She's my world.  She's my focus.  She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

left vs. right

You can't make someone love you.  You can't make people do things they don't want to do.  Some things are just meant to be, even if you don't like it.   It's a known fact that women use the left side, the more emotional side, of the brains while men use the right, the more logical.  It's a battle when you're using both sides and they each say something different.

I'm not afraid to admit that I've made bad choices.  I'm not ashamed to say that I've screwed things up.  And I'm not embarrassed to say I use the left side of my brain more often.  It's who I am, even if that makes me crazy.  Someone will find that endearing, right?  Stupid question.  I know someone will.

As much as you may want something to work, as much as you may want someone to say something, it's not always going to happen.  And that's life - gotta get used to it.  No two people think the same, act the same, feel the same.  That's something that attracts people to each other.  It's fun getting to know how someone works, even though some of those things you learn you might not like.  But it's who the person is and if you love them, you love that part of them.

Maybe my problem is that I love too much.  Or maybe try too hard?  Or not hard enough?  Blah, who knows.  Life is about loving and learning.  I've learned a hell of a lot in the past couple years, including today.  The way you think things are may not always be true.  No matter how hard you wish you could change things, you can't always do that.  So when it comes to the battle of left versus right...ignore both of them and go with your gut.  But remember, there's a chance it's gonna hurt, sting and burn.