Reality

When you're 15 and go through your first heartbreak, you think its the end of the world - nothing could get worse than that.  When you're 27, it doesn't feel any different.  At least for me.  It would be nice to think that love and heartbreak get easier with age, but if anything it gets harder.  And the big question is what to do when your heart and your head both say the same two things - "you're doing the right thing" and "you're an idiot."  Which one do you listen to?  Are they saying I'm doing the right thing because it is...or do I think it will change something?  Sometimes things come to a point where you feel like you have to give up and it's never easy.  Especially because my heart skips a beat every time my phone beeps.  Maybe it's him!  But it's not.  I don't want to give up.  It's a sucky feeling.

I did surprisingly well yesterday.  And I think it's because in the back of my head I believed he'd come get me.  I never questioned if he cared.  I questioned if I mattered enough.  And then the surprise present at the back door happened.  I cried, oh I cried.  I got all warm and fuzzy.  And now today, I'm back to being down in the dumps.  I see that present sitting on my counter, I smile, and then I hurt.