Back to Basics

This weekend was supposed to be one of happiness.  And instead it was of complete chaos and sadness.  I said goodbye to the man who means the world to me.  It just didn't work.  We tried and it didn't add up.  It came to a head for me - something big happened and it put things into perspective for me.  It was time I stood up for how I felt and what I wanted - and deserve.  We have a long history, but when push comes to shove, I wanted a commitment; he didn't.  No one is to blame.  It's just how the cards were dealt.  He will always be the man who, however dramatic this is, brought me back to life after the divorce.  He reminded me that love is possible and that there will be people who don't mind that I have a daughter.  But it also reminded me that just because we loved each other, it doesn't mean things will work out.

I am at a gigantic crossroad in my life.  I've got some big decisions to make.  It's time for me to focus on achieving what I want in life.  I've got a lot of good things going for me.  I have an awesome new job with super cool people.  I'm in school.  Emma is in a new daycare.  My birthday is coming up (which also makes me very depressed because he won't be there with me, but I can't change that).  I'm on a whole new road to being a whole new person.  I'm sure it's going to be bumpy, but it's going to lead me in the right direction.

The hard part is dealing with these emotions.  He has left me feeling worthless and not good enough.  He never intentionally made me feel that way and he never would.  The thing is, I know I'm not worthless and I know I'm good enough - it just wasn't right for the two of us.  There's going to be someone that will love the shit out of Emma and I.  Someone that will put me up on a pedestal.  Someone that will be more than happy to fight for me.  Because I'm worth that.  It breaks my heart, shatters it, that it didn't work out for us.  I don't know if we would have ended up together or not in the long run, but I wanted the chance to see.  I'm not a patient person.  And I waited for what felt like was an eternity.  I'm gonna miss him so terribly much, but I know there's something amazing out there for me and Emma.

There are many things that I thank him for.  He did a whole lot for us and was always there for Emma.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the questions about why he's not around, but I'll figure it out.  Emma is a tough cookie and I know there's an awesome dad out there waiting for her.

It's going up on two years since my marriage fell apart.  My life is so completely different and comparatively-speaking, I'm in such a better place now.  I've got a lot going for me and some man is going to be super lucky.  Until then, it's time for me and Emma.  She's my world.  She's my focus.  She's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.